Becky: Before I start, it should be noted that the "Dad" of this here operation is quite under the weather, and would appreciate your prayers. (And a sidenote from a future nurse - his throat is SO gross, but looks SO cool!)
Moving onto a new question however. . .Recently, a friend and I were discussing the concept of getting married and starting a family at a young age (18, or 19). I told her that, while I can definitely imagine having a husband and even young children in the not-too-distant future, I would be very hesitant to do so, because of the enormous responsibility of parenting. Loving and caring for a cute little baby is one thing - but training and disciplining that same cute little baby (especially the times he is not being quite so cute and cuddly) is entirely different, especially when you are intent upon doing so in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. I was quick to admit that I don't think my 17.5 years of life have come close to preparing me for that. However, she said that the part she would be concerned about with parenting is the teen years - she says that she has a huge fear of her kids falling away from their faith as they grow older. This puzzled me - after all, I feel like, by the teen years, you, Mum, and I have become more of a team, working together to get me into the next stage of life. It seems to me like the teen years should be easier on the parents, not harder. I would venture to say that those early years are the ones that are crucial, and really determine just how the teen years - and ultimately adult years - turn out. But you're the parent! What do you think?
Dad: Cough!! Hack!! Gurgle!! Spit!! Swallow, AAHH!! Where’s my medicine?! Make me some tea with honey and lemon; what’s taking so long? Groan, moan, I can’t stand this… God, save me from this body of death!! Okay, so I’m a big annoying baby when I’m sick. But keep in mind, I don't get sick very often, so I have to get my money’s worth.
Is this the time to write the rough draft of my book on Christian parenting? I’ll try to restrain myself, and just hit on the specific questions you asked, and give some general concept answers.
You definitely have the right idea, that the early years are the most crucial, and determine how the later years turn out. There is heated disagreement, even in the Christian community on how to raise children, and if yours turn out well, you will be told that you were lucky to have good kids. While we can’t completely control how our kids turn out, we have a tremendous effect, and are mandated by God to raise them “in the way they should go” (Prov. 22:6). I strongly believe that if we do our parenting job right, it would be rare to see one fall away. Since we all have weaknesses and failings, it does happen, but if we were faithful to biblical principles, we wouldn’t often see it. Some say that we just do our best and pray. This can be a lazy approach that puts parents into years of praying for their adult children, not that they shouldn’t pray, but we have turned so far away from biblical parenting that for many, the only tool they can confidently claim is prayer.
Okay, so what are these principles? I’ll just list a few to avoid the book thing. First all, as you said, the early years are critical. The Bible says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” This basically means that we begin our honest relationship with God by fearing Him – yes being afraid of Him. God has the authority to determine our eternal destiny. That’s scary! Eventually, as we learn to obey God, and develop good habits, we enjoy His blessings, and we learn to love Him. When we realize how much He’s done for us, we come to the point where we want, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to do whatever he wants us to do, even if we don’t understand. The final result is the ability to discern His will, and live in sync with it.
The same principles apply to parenting. We shouldn’t start as our children’s friends, but friendship is a long-term fruit of good parenting. The starting point is “The fear of Dad is the beginning of wisdom.” This means that we insist on obedience from the time they are able to obey. The changing table offers lots of opportunities to expect specific behavior. When children learn to walk, they must be taught to stop, go, and come. These are both issues of obedience and safety. If we insist on obedience as the foundation of our training, we lay the groundwork for all of the moral behaviors and life skills we will work hard at developing in our children.
The result is that our children have a sense of security because boundaries are well defined, and behaviors and skills are learned without the fighting that too often occurs otherwise. When children learn quickly because behavior isn’t as much of an issue, then confidence grows. (Self-esteem used to be called confidence.) Confidence comes from accomplishment and improvement, not flattery. Encouragement must be part of it, but it must be for genuine growth.
The positive results of this approach are that the real battles are fought in the early years, not postponed for the later years. Would you rather deal with winning the battle of teaching a one-year-old to come when he’s called, or deal with a 17-year-old who won’t come home from a party when he’s called? However, many parents, especially moms say, “But I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time.” How is insisting on what is right being the bad guy? The bad guy is the one who lets his children misbehave without correction. Besides, one of the most gratifying accomplishments in life is seeing your children grow in obedience and life skills.
There is so much written on this subject, but most of it is not biblically strong enough, and is too easy on the obedience issue. As we continue to discuss this stuff, I’ll share with you what we’ve found as helpful resources. Fortunately our parents modeled good Christian parenting, and we discussed, and still discuss the principles they used that were the best, and have tried to do those things that we believe are effective. Of course we have not been as consistent as we should have been, and often reap the fruit of that in you kids, but for the most part, where we’ve held the line, we have seen success.
One last thing: in no way do I want to minimize prayer. We have prayed for you kids from before you were born, and strongly believe that God has been present with you from the beginning. We pray more for your spiritual health than your physical health; more for your holiness than your happiness. Ultimately, our goal is to see you in heaven, and your worldly success is secondary.
4.20.2009
4.09.2009
Holy Week
Becky: This week during my morning devotions, I've been reading through the various events of Holy Week. I've never been very good at keeping the four gospels apart, and have the hardest time remembering which book a certain passage is in. However, I've found this week to be eye-opening, as I'm discovering my "favorite" account of each of the different parts of Holy Week.
Do you have a favorite gospel account for each of the following events? If so, which gospel? And (if you have time), any special reasons why?
- The Triumphal Entry
- Jesus Clears the Temple
- Jesus Annointed at Bethany
- Jesus Washes His Disciples' Feet
- The Lord's Supper or The Last Supper/Jesus Predicts Peter's Denial &His Betrayal
- Gethsemane or Jesus Prays on the Mount of Olives
- Jesus Arrested
- Before the Sanhedrin
- Peter Disowns Jesus
- Before Pilate and Herod/The Guards Mock Jesus
- The Crucifixion
- Jesus' Death
- Jesus' Burial
- The Resurrection or The Empty Tomb
I'll answer too, once I can find the time to sit down and compare. :)
Dad: I can't say that I could tell you off hand which Gospel is my favorite for any of these events, except to say that Mark has a lot less about a few of them, and not every Gospel has every event or statement. I generally like whichever Gospel gives the most detail, with the exception of John, which sometimes goes way beyond the story and into all the prayers and teaching, which is important, but when reading the story, I often read it from another Gospel. I've heard there is an entire Bible which is a chronological version, with all the verses, unless they are repeats from other books of the Bible. That way the whole story with all its details are together in one chronological sequence.
I do like to read all four though, because each Gospel is from a different point of view, so it is interesting to read each one. If you want to compare the accounts in each Gospel to decide which one you like best, or to see how they compare, we have a book called "Synopsis of the Four Gospels" which has all four in parallel so you can see it visually without turning back and forth.
Another way to enjoy the story is to see the various movies that have been made about Jesus. One frustration, though, is that almost every movie has taken liberties with the details. When I hear something that isn't right, I wonder why. It isn't that difficult to get it right. I can understand leaving things out to manage the time, but to get wrong what is included just isn't right.
Happy reading.
Do you have a favorite gospel account for each of the following events? If so, which gospel? And (if you have time), any special reasons why?
- The Triumphal Entry
- Jesus Clears the Temple
- Jesus Annointed at Bethany
- Jesus Washes His Disciples' Feet
- The Lord's Supper or The Last Supper/Jesus Predicts Peter's Denial &His Betrayal
- Gethsemane or Jesus Prays on the Mount of Olives
- Jesus Arrested
- Before the Sanhedrin
- Peter Disowns Jesus
- Before Pilate and Herod/The Guards Mock Jesus
- The Crucifixion
- Jesus' Death
- Jesus' Burial
- The Resurrection or The Empty Tomb
I'll answer too, once I can find the time to sit down and compare. :)
Dad: I can't say that I could tell you off hand which Gospel is my favorite for any of these events, except to say that Mark has a lot less about a few of them, and not every Gospel has every event or statement. I generally like whichever Gospel gives the most detail, with the exception of John, which sometimes goes way beyond the story and into all the prayers and teaching, which is important, but when reading the story, I often read it from another Gospel. I've heard there is an entire Bible which is a chronological version, with all the verses, unless they are repeats from other books of the Bible. That way the whole story with all its details are together in one chronological sequence.
I do like to read all four though, because each Gospel is from a different point of view, so it is interesting to read each one. If you want to compare the accounts in each Gospel to decide which one you like best, or to see how they compare, we have a book called "Synopsis of the Four Gospels" which has all four in parallel so you can see it visually without turning back and forth.
Another way to enjoy the story is to see the various movies that have been made about Jesus. One frustration, though, is that almost every movie has taken liberties with the details. When I hear something that isn't right, I wonder why. It isn't that difficult to get it right. I can understand leaving things out to manage the time, but to get wrong what is included just isn't right.
Happy reading.
4.05.2009
To Dance or Not to Dance
Becky: Why is it that so many guys don't like to, or downright refuse to dance? You'd think that, with their superior athleticism, it would be something they'd enjoy. But no - getting a guy to dance in any way, shape, or form can be like pulling teeth. What is up with that?
Disclaimer: I realize that there are guys who do enjoy dancing, and I give you a big thumbs up for that. I carefully phrased it "so many" and not "all" for a reason. :)
Dad: Oh boy, I think you're picking on me this time. I just read this late and I won't answer tonite. On second thought, it may help me sleep. Hopefully this subject won't have the same effect on readers.
Some guys don't like to dance because of a variety of reasons:
1. They feel awkward because it can be an artistic expression, and involve a grace that girls usually feel more comfortable with. In that sense, dancing seems like something for girls.
2. Girls like to dance therefore they don't!
3. They are self-conscious about how they look, and don't want people watching them "perform".
4. They really like girls, and that is scary, especially if you have to be that close to one. They don't know how to act around these mysterious, beautiful creatures, and don't want to do something dumb that would jeopardize their chances of capturing one. For a guy who is innocent in guy/girl relationships - in a positive way - touching, or being paired up with girl can be a significant thing. It gets the mind running and, depending on the actions of the girl, can evoke a lot more than what (or maybe exactly what) the girl is trying to start. Now, I don't think most girls even think that, but based on how some flirt, there are a few that sure seem to like to stir the pot.
5. They think that cool guys don't dance, and they want to be cool.
6. They don't like the music.
7. It's pretty rare when someone gets hurt bad, and there are never any car crashes or explosions.
For me (as you know, I'm not too wild about dancing), I think it is mostly that I feel awkward trying to figure out what to do. If the dance has learnable steps, I don't learn them too fast, and feel stupid. If I know the steps, I usually enjoy it a bit, but the process can be slow. I'm not opposed to dancing, if done in a tasteful, non-seductive manner, and it can be a good way for guys and girls to learn to relate, although it does tend to feel more feminine than masculine (see # 7).
Disclaimer: I realize that there are guys who do enjoy dancing, and I give you a big thumbs up for that. I carefully phrased it "so many" and not "all" for a reason. :)
Dad: Oh boy, I think you're picking on me this time. I just read this late and I won't answer tonite. On second thought, it may help me sleep. Hopefully this subject won't have the same effect on readers.
Some guys don't like to dance because of a variety of reasons:
1. They feel awkward because it can be an artistic expression, and involve a grace that girls usually feel more comfortable with. In that sense, dancing seems like something for girls.
2. Girls like to dance therefore they don't!
3. They are self-conscious about how they look, and don't want people watching them "perform".
4. They really like girls, and that is scary, especially if you have to be that close to one. They don't know how to act around these mysterious, beautiful creatures, and don't want to do something dumb that would jeopardize their chances of capturing one. For a guy who is innocent in guy/girl relationships - in a positive way - touching, or being paired up with girl can be a significant thing. It gets the mind running and, depending on the actions of the girl, can evoke a lot more than what (or maybe exactly what) the girl is trying to start. Now, I don't think most girls even think that, but based on how some flirt, there are a few that sure seem to like to stir the pot.
5. They think that cool guys don't dance, and they want to be cool.
6. They don't like the music.
7. It's pretty rare when someone gets hurt bad, and there are never any car crashes or explosions.
For me (as you know, I'm not too wild about dancing), I think it is mostly that I feel awkward trying to figure out what to do. If the dance has learnable steps, I don't learn them too fast, and feel stupid. If I know the steps, I usually enjoy it a bit, but the process can be slow. I'm not opposed to dancing, if done in a tasteful, non-seductive manner, and it can be a good way for guys and girls to learn to relate, although it does tend to feel more feminine than masculine (see # 7).
3.31.2009
Lent - Just Another Tradition?
Becky: Lent has always been one of my favorite seasons of the church year. I'm not really sure why, but it just is. :) Why is it that so many denominations and churches don't observe Lent? Why is it that we do? What is the purpose of having the midweek service and of the tradition of "fasting" from something?
Dad: Lent has been a meaningful time for me as well, similar to Advent. I guess for me it has meaning because so much of what we do as Christians can easily become routines of habit, and Lent and Advent are designed specifically to help bring meaning and preparation of hearts to receive what God wants to do in us. As you know, I don’t like to just do stuff because we always do them. I like to ask why, and dig until I really know. Lent and Advent fulfill that need I feel to know why. They also take us away from the commercialism of their respective celebrations (Easter & Christmas). It’s difficult to commercialize self-reflection, meditation and prayer.
Different denominations have discovered meaning in different traditions, and have developed them independently of each other; however, as in any human endeavor, some of our practices can become reactions to abuses, or even heresies. During the Reformation, there was a desire to bring salvation to individuals, and not just center the Christian life on an institution and its practices, which in many ways had grown corrupt and distant from God’s Word. When renewal comes, some respond by trying to eliminate those things that remind them of that which they are trying to overcome. As a result, a few church bodies developed a tradition of seeking not to look Roman Catholic. Things that some rejected were statues, icons, symbols, crosses – especially crucifixes, stations of the cross, formal saints, praying to Mary, formal confession, the seasons of the church year (Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, etc.), seminary training of pastors, robes, liturgy, stained glass windows, formalized expressions of faith, infant baptism, the real presence of Christ in the Lord’s Supper, etc. The result, however, of basing meaning on a reaction against something, is that we may miss some of the good that some of these traditions help us receive.
We observe Lent because it gives us the opportunity to ponder more deeply what Jesus did to save us from our sins. We focus on those Scriptures that tell the story of His suffering and death, and the teachings He gave us during that time. Increased prayer time, fasting, wearing a cross, holding additional worship services, giving up something we like, etc. can be helpful in deepening our relationship with Jesus. As in anything, the better we are prepared, the better time we have when the event comes. Easter is more glorious and exciting, and carries more meaning if we take the time to understand the depths of the suffering preceding the Resurrection.
Dad: Lent has been a meaningful time for me as well, similar to Advent. I guess for me it has meaning because so much of what we do as Christians can easily become routines of habit, and Lent and Advent are designed specifically to help bring meaning and preparation of hearts to receive what God wants to do in us. As you know, I don’t like to just do stuff because we always do them. I like to ask why, and dig until I really know. Lent and Advent fulfill that need I feel to know why. They also take us away from the commercialism of their respective celebrations (Easter & Christmas). It’s difficult to commercialize self-reflection, meditation and prayer.
Different denominations have discovered meaning in different traditions, and have developed them independently of each other; however, as in any human endeavor, some of our practices can become reactions to abuses, or even heresies. During the Reformation, there was a desire to bring salvation to individuals, and not just center the Christian life on an institution and its practices, which in many ways had grown corrupt and distant from God’s Word. When renewal comes, some respond by trying to eliminate those things that remind them of that which they are trying to overcome. As a result, a few church bodies developed a tradition of seeking not to look Roman Catholic. Things that some rejected were statues, icons, symbols, crosses – especially crucifixes, stations of the cross, formal saints, praying to Mary, formal confession, the seasons of the church year (Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, etc.), seminary training of pastors, robes, liturgy, stained glass windows, formalized expressions of faith, infant baptism, the real presence of Christ in the Lord’s Supper, etc. The result, however, of basing meaning on a reaction against something, is that we may miss some of the good that some of these traditions help us receive.
We observe Lent because it gives us the opportunity to ponder more deeply what Jesus did to save us from our sins. We focus on those Scriptures that tell the story of His suffering and death, and the teachings He gave us during that time. Increased prayer time, fasting, wearing a cross, holding additional worship services, giving up something we like, etc. can be helpful in deepening our relationship with Jesus. As in anything, the better we are prepared, the better time we have when the event comes. Easter is more glorious and exciting, and carries more meaning if we take the time to understand the depths of the suffering preceding the Resurrection.
3.27.2009
But I Don't Like You!
Becky: The other night, while we were watching a movie as a family, we all noticed that the heroine was being very foolish in allowing a man she quite obviously didn't like continue pursuing her, without telling him that she wasn't interested. Dad, you jokingly (with a tinge of seriousness) turned to me and said, "You'd better not ever lead a guy on like that!"
So now, my question is this: What are the things a girl does to "lead on" a guy? How can a girl have meaningful friendships with the young men around her, without making them think that she likes them? Are their several absolute "do not do this if you don't want a guy to think you're interested" gestures, words, or actions?
Dad: Just to set the record straight, guys can do the same things, as far as leading on. Watching Spiderman 2 reminded me. Peter is conflicted about his role as a super-hero, and his love for M.J. He feels he can't tell her how he feels because it would put her in danger with his enemies. I bring this up because what drives me crazy is the lack of communication between people who obviously have a certain level of trusting relationship, even if it is just a good friendship.
Balancing on the tightrope of young relationships is extremely difficult, and if you make it to the other end without ever falling, you'll be one in a million (which reminds me of a Paul Overstreet song which reminds me of you, but I digress...). If you can actually define the status of a relationship it helps you determine what is appropriate. In the movie situation you mentioned, the guy had clearly stated his intentions -- to marry her. In that situation, it just bugged me that she really didn't like him, and yet just barely put him off. She could have just stated straight out that she wasn't interested, that he should stop pursuing her, and he should consider looking for someone else. The problem is that quickly resolved conflict makes movies too short, so they had to keep it going until he did something really dumb.
In real life, people don't usually pursue each other so blatently. Occasionally someone will ask the other if their relationship will ever move to the next level, and in that case, tactful honesty is the best response. If you're not sure how best to answer, or are unsure of your answer, it's okay to say you'll have to think about how to reply, and share with your parents, or a mature, trusted friend/mentor how you feel, and get suggestions about how to respond. In reality, the typical situation involves uncertainty about the future of a relationship, and both are reluctant to ask about it, or even wonder if they should.
Since you and I have talked about the courting concept vs. dating, I won't go into that here, but in your case, if the subject comes up with a male friend, it may be wise to share your planned approach. That way, you may relieve any tension either of you may feel as you get to know each other. One sure fire way to avoid conflict in this area is to keep from getting too close in the first place. That may seem cold, but if they think there is a possible dating relationship, and you don't get too close, it may not come up, and if it does, you can explain your plan.
Overall, clear communication as opposed to hoping they get it by hints, lies, tricks, etc. is better. It's funny that, like Peter Parker, we think our good friend can't handle the truth, so we may keep them guessing. If we have a trusted friend, let them decide how they will handle the truth. If they are mature, they will process it and go on. If not, they aren't the right person anyway. A few weeks after Mom and I became friends in college, she asked me if I thought our relationship would ever become more than just friends. I said, "Probably not," and she said it relieved some tension, and enabled her to just be friends and let things happen naturally, if they were to happen at all. Of course I was just unsure at the time, and we eventually saw what God had in mind. It just helped to open the subject and have that understanding.
One strategy that you can use to communicate is referring pursuers to your Dad. You can just say, " before I date/court anyone, he has to talk to my Dad." That way only the most confident guys will continue, and that gives you the chance to let me know what you think about him, and I can fend him off accordingly, or if you think it's a good thing, I can check him out for you, and encourage him too continue.
As far as what "leads a guy on"... It doesn't take much. Remember that guys are especially suckered by flirting. If you look at him in that ever-so-slightly-overly-friendly way that just might say, "I could possibly be interested in you," he will see it as an invitation to pursue. Also, what you wear (revealing, tight, etc.), how you stand (bent over, butt sticking out, leaning on him, etc.), and any physical touch communicate far more than you realize. Guys are so visually and physically motivated. Just be careful, and assume that any of those kinds of friendliness can be misunderstood. Obviously everyone is different as far as the degree to which those things affect them, but guys are still guys.
(You can see why some take an extremely conservative course -- long dresses, high collars, no dating, etc. It's not because they are naive about sex, it's because they understand it's power, and don't even want any hints of going that direction.)
In the long run, we all appreciate genuineness in relationships. If a guy thinks a girl is flirting, he might like it, but when he is alone, thinking it through, he may have the maturity to realize she's being shallow. Now, not all flirting is bad. Those "shallow" routines can be the start of interest, but they won't sustain a genuine relationship.
What you are doing with your group of friends is healthy. You do a lot as a group, and there's almost no "dating" going on. If you are all mostly on the same page, a lot of difficulty will be avoided. Another thing you are doing that is especially helpful is developing relationships with other girls. Guys should have other guy friends too. A lot of good discussion can develop, and you can help each other grow spiritually, and work out how you are going to approach these things.
(Annie, the movie Becky mentioned was "Belle and the Beast", a modern adaptation of "Beauty and the Beast." It was fair as far as movies go, but the messages were good.)
So now, my question is this: What are the things a girl does to "lead on" a guy? How can a girl have meaningful friendships with the young men around her, without making them think that she likes them? Are their several absolute "do not do this if you don't want a guy to think you're interested" gestures, words, or actions?
Dad: Just to set the record straight, guys can do the same things, as far as leading on. Watching Spiderman 2 reminded me. Peter is conflicted about his role as a super-hero, and his love for M.J. He feels he can't tell her how he feels because it would put her in danger with his enemies. I bring this up because what drives me crazy is the lack of communication between people who obviously have a certain level of trusting relationship, even if it is just a good friendship.
Balancing on the tightrope of young relationships is extremely difficult, and if you make it to the other end without ever falling, you'll be one in a million (which reminds me of a Paul Overstreet song which reminds me of you, but I digress...). If you can actually define the status of a relationship it helps you determine what is appropriate. In the movie situation you mentioned, the guy had clearly stated his intentions -- to marry her. In that situation, it just bugged me that she really didn't like him, and yet just barely put him off. She could have just stated straight out that she wasn't interested, that he should stop pursuing her, and he should consider looking for someone else. The problem is that quickly resolved conflict makes movies too short, so they had to keep it going until he did something really dumb.
In real life, people don't usually pursue each other so blatently. Occasionally someone will ask the other if their relationship will ever move to the next level, and in that case, tactful honesty is the best response. If you're not sure how best to answer, or are unsure of your answer, it's okay to say you'll have to think about how to reply, and share with your parents, or a mature, trusted friend/mentor how you feel, and get suggestions about how to respond. In reality, the typical situation involves uncertainty about the future of a relationship, and both are reluctant to ask about it, or even wonder if they should.
Since you and I have talked about the courting concept vs. dating, I won't go into that here, but in your case, if the subject comes up with a male friend, it may be wise to share your planned approach. That way, you may relieve any tension either of you may feel as you get to know each other. One sure fire way to avoid conflict in this area is to keep from getting too close in the first place. That may seem cold, but if they think there is a possible dating relationship, and you don't get too close, it may not come up, and if it does, you can explain your plan.
Overall, clear communication as opposed to hoping they get it by hints, lies, tricks, etc. is better. It's funny that, like Peter Parker, we think our good friend can't handle the truth, so we may keep them guessing. If we have a trusted friend, let them decide how they will handle the truth. If they are mature, they will process it and go on. If not, they aren't the right person anyway. A few weeks after Mom and I became friends in college, she asked me if I thought our relationship would ever become more than just friends. I said, "Probably not," and she said it relieved some tension, and enabled her to just be friends and let things happen naturally, if they were to happen at all. Of course I was just unsure at the time, and we eventually saw what God had in mind. It just helped to open the subject and have that understanding.
One strategy that you can use to communicate is referring pursuers to your Dad. You can just say, " before I date/court anyone, he has to talk to my Dad." That way only the most confident guys will continue, and that gives you the chance to let me know what you think about him, and I can fend him off accordingly, or if you think it's a good thing, I can check him out for you, and encourage him too continue.
As far as what "leads a guy on"... It doesn't take much. Remember that guys are especially suckered by flirting. If you look at him in that ever-so-slightly-overly-friendly way that just might say, "I could possibly be interested in you," he will see it as an invitation to pursue. Also, what you wear (revealing, tight, etc.), how you stand (bent over, butt sticking out, leaning on him, etc.), and any physical touch communicate far more than you realize. Guys are so visually and physically motivated. Just be careful, and assume that any of those kinds of friendliness can be misunderstood. Obviously everyone is different as far as the degree to which those things affect them, but guys are still guys.
(You can see why some take an extremely conservative course -- long dresses, high collars, no dating, etc. It's not because they are naive about sex, it's because they understand it's power, and don't even want any hints of going that direction.)
In the long run, we all appreciate genuineness in relationships. If a guy thinks a girl is flirting, he might like it, but when he is alone, thinking it through, he may have the maturity to realize she's being shallow. Now, not all flirting is bad. Those "shallow" routines can be the start of interest, but they won't sustain a genuine relationship.
What you are doing with your group of friends is healthy. You do a lot as a group, and there's almost no "dating" going on. If you are all mostly on the same page, a lot of difficulty will be avoided. Another thing you are doing that is especially helpful is developing relationships with other girls. Guys should have other guy friends too. A lot of good discussion can develop, and you can help each other grow spiritually, and work out how you are going to approach these things.
(Annie, the movie Becky mentioned was "Belle and the Beast", a modern adaptation of "Beauty and the Beast." It was fair as far as movies go, but the messages were good.)
3.23.2009
On being an older sibling
Dad: Now I have a question for you. You seem to spend a lot of time serving your family by shopping, baby-sitting, playing taxi-driver, cleaning up around the house, etc, etc, etc. Do you ever feel resentful? If so, how do you deal with it, and if not, why not?
Becky: Ironically, the reason I have not yet been able to answer this is because my older sibling duties this week have kept me quite busy! However, since I am having a sick day, I have been temporarily relieved of some of those responsibilities, and figured blogging was a nice break from sleeping.
To be honest, I haven't thought about this in a while. I used to be very resentful. Especially last year, when Andy (my older brother) was attending public school, and I was the oldest at home for the first time. He would normally not come home from practice until around dinnertime, then spent much of the evening doing homework. On the weekends, he would invariably sleep in, and then spend time chilling with his friends. I slowly grew more and more upset at the little he did to help out around the house.
One evening, he was sitting in the kitchen for some reason, as I was washing the dishes. I blew up at him, and started ranting and raving about how unfair it was that I did all the chores and extra things around home, and that he never contributed at all, etc. etc. Being Andy, he let me yell away for a while before simply saying something along these lines: "Becky, isn't one of your primary goals in life to be a wife and a mother? I, on the other hand, am going to have to support a family. Right now, you are doing things that will prepare you for what your future is going to be; I am going to school and playing sports as a part of preparing for what I want my future to be. When you get married, do you think that your husband will come home from work every night and go around picking up the house and washing the dishes for you?" (And, typical of Andy. . . although he didn't admit at that point that he should be doing more around the house, I did notice him helping out a bit more after our conversation. :)
It was then I realized the problem of my point of view. I had been thinking of all the things I did around the house as "extras," simply because the other kids didn't do them. From then on, I chose to think about the things I did differently. They were not extra, in addition to what I ought to be doing - rather, I found that everything I did fell under a category which could be titled "the role of a big sister and daughter, namely Rebekah Hall, in her family." After all, this really is my only role in life right now. I don't have the responsibility of a family, a husband, or a job. I am under the authority of my parents, and I honor and obey by serving them and my siblings. This is what God has called me to do right now, in life - it's not glamorous, or exciting, but it is rewarding. To have my siblings, especially the youngest ones, be so comfortable with me, and so free in their expressions of love, makes everything really worth it. And to know that Mom and Dad appreciate what I do is also nice. :)
So really, I don't think about being resentful anymore. When I do get angry or frustrated with my siblings in regard to chores, it's not because I feel that they aren't pulling their share. It's more that I'm concerned they won't learn how to work hard, and do things without being asked - taking some of the burden off of Mom and Dad in doing so. And I must admit, I do occasionally get frustrated that I often seem to have the responsibilities of a parent, and yet not the authority of one. It can make a day at home babysitting somewhat difficult to manage.
One more thing - I think that one way Dad and Mom have really helped me to not be resentful is by allowing me to have a lot of time doing my own thing, with my friends. They have always encouraged us to have our friends over, and our friends know that fun times and good food are always to be found at the Hall house. They make our home a place that others like to gather, and are almost always willing to host whatever schemes we come up with. For example, yesterday I spent all day on a mini-road trip with my friends. We drove our family's 12-passenger van all the way into St. Louis, and spent the morning at the zoo. The trust my parents place in me, and my friends, makes being a good daughter pretty easy. They have given me a lot of freedom in how I choose to spend my time, and this makes it hard indeed to be resentful!
I credit their good parenting to the fact that I choose to spend most of my time at home, with my family, in my role as sister and daughter. And the more time I spend with my siblings, the more it becomes a joy, not a burden.
Dad: Keeping your perspective on your long-term goals seems to be a good strategy for dealing with momentary challenges. In case we don't say it enough, we really do appreciate your role in our family, and will miss you next year, except that your siblings will get a chance to learn what you're learning. It is also humbling to realize that we as parents have weaknesses, and that all of our children will be stronger than we are in some area. As we are all honest about our abilities and efforts, granting grace for failure, and encouragement in success, we can be a good family team as we work through our child-raising years.
There was a time that Mom and I were quite critical of our parents and their weaknesses. As we saw it then, we used it as an opportunity learn from their mistakes and do our parenting right. Don't get me wrong, we had exceptional parents, but in our simplistic minds, we were going to do better by not making the same mistakes. We did better than they did in some areas, but have now experienced our own set of weaknesses, and therefore, mistakes. The advantage you have being an older sibling is that you get to see more parenting first-hand, and even practice at times. You will have strengths and weaknesses we don't, and maybe even the maturity to recognize them earlier than we did.
Humility is a key to this, and it seems most of life. In your case, you will probably do a better job of parenting than we are doing, but then again, maybe that means we're on the right track.
Becky: Ironically, the reason I have not yet been able to answer this is because my older sibling duties this week have kept me quite busy! However, since I am having a sick day, I have been temporarily relieved of some of those responsibilities, and figured blogging was a nice break from sleeping.
To be honest, I haven't thought about this in a while. I used to be very resentful. Especially last year, when Andy (my older brother) was attending public school, and I was the oldest at home for the first time. He would normally not come home from practice until around dinnertime, then spent much of the evening doing homework. On the weekends, he would invariably sleep in, and then spend time chilling with his friends. I slowly grew more and more upset at the little he did to help out around the house.
One evening, he was sitting in the kitchen for some reason, as I was washing the dishes. I blew up at him, and started ranting and raving about how unfair it was that I did all the chores and extra things around home, and that he never contributed at all, etc. etc. Being Andy, he let me yell away for a while before simply saying something along these lines: "Becky, isn't one of your primary goals in life to be a wife and a mother? I, on the other hand, am going to have to support a family. Right now, you are doing things that will prepare you for what your future is going to be; I am going to school and playing sports as a part of preparing for what I want my future to be. When you get married, do you think that your husband will come home from work every night and go around picking up the house and washing the dishes for you?" (And, typical of Andy. . . although he didn't admit at that point that he should be doing more around the house, I did notice him helping out a bit more after our conversation. :)
It was then I realized the problem of my point of view. I had been thinking of all the things I did around the house as "extras," simply because the other kids didn't do them. From then on, I chose to think about the things I did differently. They were not extra, in addition to what I ought to be doing - rather, I found that everything I did fell under a category which could be titled "the role of a big sister and daughter, namely Rebekah Hall, in her family." After all, this really is my only role in life right now. I don't have the responsibility of a family, a husband, or a job. I am under the authority of my parents, and I honor and obey by serving them and my siblings. This is what God has called me to do right now, in life - it's not glamorous, or exciting, but it is rewarding. To have my siblings, especially the youngest ones, be so comfortable with me, and so free in their expressions of love, makes everything really worth it. And to know that Mom and Dad appreciate what I do is also nice. :)
So really, I don't think about being resentful anymore. When I do get angry or frustrated with my siblings in regard to chores, it's not because I feel that they aren't pulling their share. It's more that I'm concerned they won't learn how to work hard, and do things without being asked - taking some of the burden off of Mom and Dad in doing so. And I must admit, I do occasionally get frustrated that I often seem to have the responsibilities of a parent, and yet not the authority of one. It can make a day at home babysitting somewhat difficult to manage.
One more thing - I think that one way Dad and Mom have really helped me to not be resentful is by allowing me to have a lot of time doing my own thing, with my friends. They have always encouraged us to have our friends over, and our friends know that fun times and good food are always to be found at the Hall house. They make our home a place that others like to gather, and are almost always willing to host whatever schemes we come up with. For example, yesterday I spent all day on a mini-road trip with my friends. We drove our family's 12-passenger van all the way into St. Louis, and spent the morning at the zoo. The trust my parents place in me, and my friends, makes being a good daughter pretty easy. They have given me a lot of freedom in how I choose to spend my time, and this makes it hard indeed to be resentful!
I credit their good parenting to the fact that I choose to spend most of my time at home, with my family, in my role as sister and daughter. And the more time I spend with my siblings, the more it becomes a joy, not a burden.
Dad: Keeping your perspective on your long-term goals seems to be a good strategy for dealing with momentary challenges. In case we don't say it enough, we really do appreciate your role in our family, and will miss you next year, except that your siblings will get a chance to learn what you're learning. It is also humbling to realize that we as parents have weaknesses, and that all of our children will be stronger than we are in some area. As we are all honest about our abilities and efforts, granting grace for failure, and encouragement in success, we can be a good family team as we work through our child-raising years.
There was a time that Mom and I were quite critical of our parents and their weaknesses. As we saw it then, we used it as an opportunity learn from their mistakes and do our parenting right. Don't get me wrong, we had exceptional parents, but in our simplistic minds, we were going to do better by not making the same mistakes. We did better than they did in some areas, but have now experienced our own set of weaknesses, and therefore, mistakes. The advantage you have being an older sibling is that you get to see more parenting first-hand, and even practice at times. You will have strengths and weaknesses we don't, and maybe even the maturity to recognize them earlier than we did.
Humility is a key to this, and it seems most of life. In your case, you will probably do a better job of parenting than we are doing, but then again, maybe that means we're on the right track.
3.22.2009
Leading Others
Becky: Okay, so my first question. (I have debated about what this very first, oh so important question should be. . .and haven't been hit with any great inspirations. So, here is something that randomly struck me the other day and isn't terribly important or inspirational).
Dad, what does it take to become a good leader, especially for a teenager, leading his/her peers? So often, I feel myself get placed in a role where I ought to be leading, but can't seem to do so without coming across as bossy. How can I lead in such a way that people will want to follow?
Dad: Actually, this is an extremely important question, and depending on the context, could be inspirational as well. One reason this is such an important question these days is that we see so many poor examples of leadership. We see the failure of so called role-models, such as professional athletes who use drugs, get involved in extra-marital affairs, or are arrested for beating up someone. These are clearly bad examples of leadership. I remember one athlete, whose name escapes me, saying, "I am not a role-model," by which he meant, he didn't want the pressure of being a role-model because he would be expected to behave himself. Unfortunately, today, famous people are role-models whether they want to be or not, simply because people follow their example.
Here I suppose we can make a distinction between a role-model and a leader. A role-model is a type of leader whom others emulate simply because of their role in society, whether they like it or not. A true leader is usually intentional about leading, or becomes intentional because others begin to follow. In your case, you are a role-model because you are a big sister, and friend to others who are younger who see you as a role-model. People don't get to decide not to be a role-model. They just are because of their role in others' lives. True leaders develop their position as a role-model, or by occupation or calling and lead others to accomplish something.
A truly good leader is difficult to find, but there are qualities of leadership that you will see in good leaders. The first, and most important quality of good leadership is humility. There are many leaders, but few humble leaders. You may have heard the term "servant leadership." This means that a good leader isn't a dictator, but leads by example first so that they aren't a "do as I say, not as I do" type leader. That negative attitude will cause a leader to lose respect quickly. Unfortunately, pride leads many leaders to have the attitude that, "I'm the leader, so you have to do what I say." Humility says, "I am following someone too, because I also have a lot I need to learn."
Second, a leader must have integrity and character. As a leader, you are a role-model, and what you do when no one is looking, will eventually be seen. Your example of humble integrity will say more than your profound speeches. Here is where the world has it backwards. Napoleon Dynamite says that what you need is skills. Actually, what is more important is character. If you have great leadership skills, but lack character, you will compromise truth, engender mistrust, and eventually lead people in the wrong direction. There is a long history of famous leaders who had great skills, but poor character. Yes, many followed them, but where were they really going? A few quick examples are Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Jim Jones, and a less extreme modern example, Bill Clinton. Sorry Bill, but while you may have been popular, your lack of moral character led America in taking greater steps toward societal immorality. Time in God's Word, worship, prayer, and time spent with others of strong character will help you develop character.
Third, leadership skills are very important. While character is more important, because it determines the direction you lead, skills are also needed so that you can actually lead. Character takes a life-time to develop, and can be easily destroyed. Loss of character can permanently mar your trust with others. Skills, on the other hand, are more easily gained, and are never lost, just constantly refined. Leadership skills deal with how you organize, listen to others, delegate, train others, communicate, raise up other leaders, etc. You can learn leadership skills by reading, attending classes/seminars, learning from others, and experience.
Probably the most powerful quality of leadership, but also the most dangerous, is vision. All the negative examples of leadership have a powerful vision. But so do positive leaders. Vision is what usually motivates followers. If you have a strong sense of vision, and can communicate it to enough people, you will most likely develop a following. Your humility, character and skills will keep people following. The ability to keep the vision as the primary motivation is also essential for long-term success.
As a teen leader, these principles definitely apply. (What do teens like to be called these days? teens, young people, dudes & dudettes...) Teens flounder because of lack of vision. They don't seem to know where they are going. If you want to be a good leader, continue to seek the Lord as far as your personal vision. If you know where you are going, or at least know how you will find out, you will be a leader among your peers, whether you want to be or not. Then, as you become more confident, which is a by-product of having the above-mentioned qualities, and if you have a real love and concern for your peers, you will become a good leader. If you see that you are becoming a leader, you need to seek ways (mentioned above) to develop character and skills.
With your peers, you will make major progress by simply listening. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Trite, yes, but true. Be patient as you grow. Becoming a good leader takes a life time, but you are well on your way. I see many of these qualities already developing in you. Don't let your role as a leader go to your head. Pride in leadership is considerably more common than humility. It eventually leads to mistrust, instead of relational followers. If you stay humble, you will be more likely to learn quickly.
God bless you as you discover His direction for your life, and in that confidence lead others to what God desires for them.
Dad, what does it take to become a good leader, especially for a teenager, leading his/her peers? So often, I feel myself get placed in a role where I ought to be leading, but can't seem to do so without coming across as bossy. How can I lead in such a way that people will want to follow?
Dad: Actually, this is an extremely important question, and depending on the context, could be inspirational as well. One reason this is such an important question these days is that we see so many poor examples of leadership. We see the failure of so called role-models, such as professional athletes who use drugs, get involved in extra-marital affairs, or are arrested for beating up someone. These are clearly bad examples of leadership. I remember one athlete, whose name escapes me, saying, "I am not a role-model," by which he meant, he didn't want the pressure of being a role-model because he would be expected to behave himself. Unfortunately, today, famous people are role-models whether they want to be or not, simply because people follow their example.
Here I suppose we can make a distinction between a role-model and a leader. A role-model is a type of leader whom others emulate simply because of their role in society, whether they like it or not. A true leader is usually intentional about leading, or becomes intentional because others begin to follow. In your case, you are a role-model because you are a big sister, and friend to others who are younger who see you as a role-model. People don't get to decide not to be a role-model. They just are because of their role in others' lives. True leaders develop their position as a role-model, or by occupation or calling and lead others to accomplish something.
A truly good leader is difficult to find, but there are qualities of leadership that you will see in good leaders. The first, and most important quality of good leadership is humility. There are many leaders, but few humble leaders. You may have heard the term "servant leadership." This means that a good leader isn't a dictator, but leads by example first so that they aren't a "do as I say, not as I do" type leader. That negative attitude will cause a leader to lose respect quickly. Unfortunately, pride leads many leaders to have the attitude that, "I'm the leader, so you have to do what I say." Humility says, "I am following someone too, because I also have a lot I need to learn."
Second, a leader must have integrity and character. As a leader, you are a role-model, and what you do when no one is looking, will eventually be seen. Your example of humble integrity will say more than your profound speeches. Here is where the world has it backwards. Napoleon Dynamite says that what you need is skills. Actually, what is more important is character. If you have great leadership skills, but lack character, you will compromise truth, engender mistrust, and eventually lead people in the wrong direction. There is a long history of famous leaders who had great skills, but poor character. Yes, many followed them, but where were they really going? A few quick examples are Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin, Jim Jones, and a less extreme modern example, Bill Clinton. Sorry Bill, but while you may have been popular, your lack of moral character led America in taking greater steps toward societal immorality. Time in God's Word, worship, prayer, and time spent with others of strong character will help you develop character.
Third, leadership skills are very important. While character is more important, because it determines the direction you lead, skills are also needed so that you can actually lead. Character takes a life-time to develop, and can be easily destroyed. Loss of character can permanently mar your trust with others. Skills, on the other hand, are more easily gained, and are never lost, just constantly refined. Leadership skills deal with how you organize, listen to others, delegate, train others, communicate, raise up other leaders, etc. You can learn leadership skills by reading, attending classes/seminars, learning from others, and experience.
Probably the most powerful quality of leadership, but also the most dangerous, is vision. All the negative examples of leadership have a powerful vision. But so do positive leaders. Vision is what usually motivates followers. If you have a strong sense of vision, and can communicate it to enough people, you will most likely develop a following. Your humility, character and skills will keep people following. The ability to keep the vision as the primary motivation is also essential for long-term success.
As a teen leader, these principles definitely apply. (What do teens like to be called these days? teens, young people, dudes & dudettes...) Teens flounder because of lack of vision. They don't seem to know where they are going. If you want to be a good leader, continue to seek the Lord as far as your personal vision. If you know where you are going, or at least know how you will find out, you will be a leader among your peers, whether you want to be or not. Then, as you become more confident, which is a by-product of having the above-mentioned qualities, and if you have a real love and concern for your peers, you will become a good leader. If you see that you are becoming a leader, you need to seek ways (mentioned above) to develop character and skills.
With your peers, you will make major progress by simply listening. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Trite, yes, but true. Be patient as you grow. Becoming a good leader takes a life time, but you are well on your way. I see many of these qualities already developing in you. Don't let your role as a leader go to your head. Pride in leadership is considerably more common than humility. It eventually leads to mistrust, instead of relational followers. If you stay humble, you will be more likely to learn quickly.
God bless you as you discover His direction for your life, and in that confidence lead others to what God desires for them.
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