Becky: Before I start, it should be noted that the "Dad" of this here operation is quite under the weather, and would appreciate your prayers. (And a sidenote from a future nurse - his throat is SO gross, but looks SO cool!)

Moving onto a new question however. . .Recently, a friend and I were discussing the concept of getting married and starting a family at a young age (18, or 19). I told her that, while I can definitely imagine having a husband and even young children in the not-too-distant future, I would be very hesitant to do so, because of the enormous responsibility of parenting. Loving and caring for a cute little baby is one thing - but training and disciplining that same cute little baby (especially the times he is not being quite so cute and cuddly) is entirely different, especially when you are intent upon doing so in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. I was quick to admit that I don't think my 17.5 years of life have come close to preparing me for that. However, she said that the part she would be concerned about with parenting is the teen years - she says that she has a huge fear of her kids falling away from their faith as they grow older. This puzzled me - after all, I feel like, by the teen years, you, Mum, and I have become more of a team, working together to get me into the next stage of life. It seems to me like the teen years should be easier on the parents, not harder. I would venture to say that those early years are the ones that are crucial, and really determine just how the teen years - and ultimately adult years - turn out. But you're the parent! What do you think?


Dad: Cough!! Hack!! Gurgle!! Spit!! Swallow, AAHH!! Where’s my medicine?! Make me some tea with honey and lemon; what’s taking so long? Groan, moan, I can’t stand this… God, save me from this body of death!! Okay, so I’m a big annoying baby when I’m sick. But keep in mind, I don't get sick very often, so I have to get my money’s worth.

Is this the time to write the rough draft of my book on Christian parenting? I’ll try to restrain myself, and just hit on the specific questions you asked, and give some general concept answers.

You definitely have the right idea, that the early years are the most crucial, and determine how the later years turn out. There is heated disagreement, even in the Christian community on how to raise children, and if yours turn out well, you will be told that you were lucky to have good kids. While we can’t completely control how our kids turn out, we have a tremendous effect, and are mandated by God to raise them “in the way they should go” (Prov. 22:6). I strongly believe that if we do our parenting job right, it would be rare to see one fall away. Since we all have weaknesses and failings, it does happen, but if we were faithful to biblical principles, we wouldn’t often see it. Some say that we just do our best and pray. This can be a lazy approach that puts parents into years of praying for their adult children, not that they shouldn’t pray, but we have turned so far away from biblical parenting that for many, the only tool they can confidently claim is prayer.

Okay, so what are these principles? I’ll just list a few to avoid the book thing. First all, as you said, the early years are critical. The Bible says, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.” This basically means that we begin our honest relationship with God by fearing Him – yes being afraid of Him. God has the authority to determine our eternal destiny. That’s scary! Eventually, as we learn to obey God, and develop good habits, we enjoy His blessings, and we learn to love Him. When we realize how much He’s done for us, we come to the point where we want, through the power of the Holy Spirit, to do whatever he wants us to do, even if we don’t understand. The final result is the ability to discern His will, and live in sync with it.

The same principles apply to parenting. We shouldn’t start as our children’s friends, but friendship is a long-term fruit of good parenting. The starting point is “The fear of Dad is the beginning of wisdom.” This means that we insist on obedience from the time they are able to obey. The changing table offers lots of opportunities to expect specific behavior. When children learn to walk, they must be taught to stop, go, and come. These are both issues of obedience and safety. If we insist on obedience as the foundation of our training, we lay the groundwork for all of the moral behaviors and life skills we will work hard at developing in our children.

The result is that our children have a sense of security because boundaries are well defined, and behaviors and skills are learned without the fighting that too often occurs otherwise. When children learn quickly because behavior isn’t as much of an issue, then confidence grows. (Self-esteem used to be called confidence.) Confidence comes from accomplishment and improvement, not flattery. Encouragement must be part of it, but it must be for genuine growth.

The positive results of this approach are that the real battles are fought in the early years, not postponed for the later years. Would you rather deal with winning the battle of teaching a one-year-old to come when he’s called, or deal with a 17-year-old who won’t come home from a party when he’s called? However, many parents, especially moms say, “But I don’t want to be the bad guy all the time.” How is insisting on what is right being the bad guy? The bad guy is the one who lets his children misbehave without correction. Besides, one of the most gratifying accomplishments in life is seeing your children grow in obedience and life skills.

There is so much written on this subject, but most of it is not biblically strong enough, and is too easy on the obedience issue. As we continue to discuss this stuff, I’ll share with you what we’ve found as helpful resources. Fortunately our parents modeled good Christian parenting, and we discussed, and still discuss the principles they used that were the best, and have tried to do those things that we believe are effective. Of course we have not been as consistent as we should have been, and often reap the fruit of that in you kids, but for the most part, where we’ve held the line, we have seen success.

One last thing: in no way do I want to minimize prayer. We have prayed for you kids from before you were born, and strongly believe that God has been present with you from the beginning. We pray more for your spiritual health than your physical health; more for your holiness than your happiness. Ultimately, our goal is to see you in heaven, and your worldly success is secondary.