On being an older sibling

Dad: Now I have a question for you. You seem to spend a lot of time serving your family by shopping, baby-sitting, playing taxi-driver, cleaning up around the house, etc, etc, etc. Do you ever feel resentful? If so, how do you deal with it, and if not, why not?

Becky: Ironically, the reason I have not yet been able to answer this is because my older sibling duties this week have kept me quite busy! However, since I am having a sick day, I have been temporarily relieved of some of those responsibilities, and figured blogging was a nice break from sleeping.

To be honest, I haven't thought about this in a while. I used to be very resentful. Especially last year, when Andy (my older brother) was attending public school, and I was the oldest at home for the first time. He would normally not come home from practice until around dinnertime, then spent much of the evening doing homework. On the weekends, he would invariably sleep in, and then spend time chilling with his friends. I slowly grew more and more upset at the little he did to help out around the house.

One evening, he was sitting in the kitchen for some reason, as I was washing the dishes. I blew up at him, and started ranting and raving about how unfair it was that I did all the chores and extra things around home, and that he never contributed at all, etc. etc. Being Andy, he let me yell away for a while before simply saying something along these lines: "Becky, isn't one of your primary goals in life to be a wife and a mother? I, on the other hand, am going to have to support a family. Right now, you are doing things that will prepare you for what your future is going to be; I am going to school and playing sports as a part of preparing for what I want my future to be. When you get married, do you think that your husband will come home from work every night and go around picking up the house and washing the dishes for you?" (And, typical of Andy. . . although he didn't admit at that point that he should be doing more around the house, I did notice him helping out a bit more after our conversation. :)

It was then I realized the problem of my point of view. I had been thinking of all the things I did around the house as "extras," simply because the other kids didn't do them. From then on, I chose to think about the things I did differently. They were not extra, in addition to what I ought to be doing - rather, I found that everything I did fell under a category which could be titled "the role of a big sister and daughter, namely Rebekah Hall, in her family." After all, this really is my only role in life right now. I don't have the responsibility of a family, a husband, or a job. I am under the authority of my parents, and I honor and obey by serving them and my siblings. This is what God has called me to do right now, in life - it's not glamorous, or exciting, but it is rewarding. To have my siblings, especially the youngest ones, be so comfortable with me, and so free in their expressions of love, makes everything really worth it. And to know that Mom and Dad appreciate what I do is also nice. :)

So really, I don't think about being resentful anymore. When I do get angry or frustrated with my siblings in regard to chores, it's not because I feel that they aren't pulling their share. It's more that I'm concerned they won't learn how to work hard, and do things without being asked - taking some of the burden off of Mom and Dad in doing so. And I must admit, I do occasionally get frustrated that I often seem to have the responsibilities of a parent, and yet not the authority of one. It can make a day at home babysitting somewhat difficult to manage.

One more thing - I think that one way Dad and Mom have really helped me to not be resentful is by allowing me to have a lot of time doing my own thing, with my friends. They have always encouraged us to have our friends over, and our friends know that fun times and good food are always to be found at the Hall house. They make our home a place that others like to gather, and are almost always willing to host whatever schemes we come up with. For example, yesterday I spent all day on a mini-road trip with my friends. We drove our family's 12-passenger van all the way into St. Louis, and spent the morning at the zoo. The trust my parents place in me, and my friends, makes being a good daughter pretty easy. They have given me a lot of freedom in how I choose to spend my time, and this makes it hard indeed to be resentful!

I credit their good parenting to the fact that I choose to spend most of my time at home, with my family, in my role as sister and daughter. And the more time I spend with my siblings, the more it becomes a joy, not a burden.

Dad: Keeping your perspective on your long-term goals seems to be a good strategy for dealing with momentary challenges. In case we don't say it enough, we really do appreciate your role in our family, and will miss you next year, except that your siblings will get a chance to learn what you're learning. It is also humbling to realize that we as parents have weaknesses, and that all of our children will be stronger than we are in some area. As we are all honest about our abilities and efforts, granting grace for failure, and encouragement in success, we can be a good family team as we work through our child-raising years.

There was a time that Mom and I were quite critical of our parents and their weaknesses. As we saw it then, we used it as an opportunity learn from their mistakes and do our parenting right. Don't get me wrong, we had exceptional parents, but in our simplistic minds, we were going to do better by not making the same mistakes. We did better than they did in some areas, but have now experienced our own set of weaknesses, and therefore, mistakes. The advantage you have being an older sibling is that you get to see more parenting first-hand, and even practice at times. You will have strengths and weaknesses we don't, and maybe even the maturity to recognize them earlier than we did.

Humility is a key to this, and it seems most of life. In your case, you will probably do a better job of parenting than we are doing, but then again, maybe that means we're on the right track.